The Nine Most Pathetic Searches That Have Led to the Low Budget Review

A little known fact about the LBR is that we have the ability to see what searches have led our readers to our website.  We don’t get the ISP information or locations of said searches, but we do know how perverted, juvenile, or otherwise pathetic several of these searches are.  We also know what searches most commonly lead the curious to our site.  If someone were to ask me the best possible way to receive slosh-loads of website hits based on search engine results, I would simply state four names: Kristen Stewart, Robert Pattinson, Zac Efron and Miley Cyrus.  While most are fairly innocent, such as “Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson happy” or “Miley Cyrus smiling,” a disturbing portion of searches are either too inanely composed (spelling errors are highly amusing), cruelly conceived or flat-out pedophilic.  We here at the LBR find massed amounts of humor (and nausea) from said subject matter, and as all searches are anonymous, we felt our readership may be able to find the same kind of gut-busting laughs that we do from the following.

 I must also point out that none of these searches leading to our site would have been possible without Nikki’s (Snickerdoodle85) “2009 MTV Movie Awards” article.  So you all should hit up her “about” page and make her feel special (we also have a competition to see whose “about” page gets the most hits each day…sorta…it’s usually mine and the others are jealous)!

 9. Kristen Stewart Foto Dark

I would imagine whoever searched this meant to look for a “photo” of Stewart’s newly darkened locks, unless they were of German, Spanish, or Portuguese origin, in which case “foto” would be the correct spelling.  However, such cultural speculation is most likely an exercise in futility as the translation of “dark” is not “dark” in German, Spanish or Portuguese.  My only conclusion is that whoever searched this was the product of the broken American educational system in severe need of a good English teacher.

 8. robert pattinson hand

Hand fetishes.  We all know they exist, but we never want to accept it.  Having googled this search myself (out of sheer curiosity, I assure you and with correct capitalized punctuation), there are no actual pictures of Mr. Pattinson’s hands without his pouty, dumbfounded, greasy-haired mug gazing blankly at the camera.  Further exploration of provided web pages leads to a speculative thread regarding an apparent mauling of the Twilight actor’s right hand by some sort of unknown beast or drainage system.  This speculative thread is dated two weeks old, and I’m assuming the cat scratches have healed since that time.  I wonder if Twilight vampire blood glows in the dark?

 7. How to Dress like Zac Efron

I can only see two reasons somebody would want to search for this and each is equally unsettling.  The first is more pathetic, as it involves a sad little junior highschool boy who has a massive crush on a girl far outside his league.  Said girl is materialistic and popular, never giving our friend (whose name could be Leonard or Sheldon…yes I watch Big Bang Theory) a second (or even first) thought.  However, our friend spots a magazine with Efron’s manic stare on the cover in said girl’s hands.  To impress, he wants to dress like Zac (who can’t even spell his nickname correctly I might add).  The second reason someone would search this (which is more frightening than sad) is that said popular girl has a jock-like boyfriend.  The boyfriend is possibly dumb as nails, but has a good heart and would do anything for the girl.  Anything? she asks.  ANYTHING he replies.  So, she searches for every ensemble Mr. Efron has appeared wearing and dresses her lovebird each and every day to act as a substitute for the man he can never be.

 6. taylor lautner girlfriend

Another Twilight heartthrob, Lautner isn’t really known for much save his beefiness.  I would bet that whoever searched this is in their late 20s (male or female, take your pick) and hopelessly wanting to go back to late high school/early college.  They want to know if Lautner has a girlfriend because if he’s single, maybe they’d stand a chance.  The searcher could also have been a tween pop culture junkie looking for the latest trendy gossip, but that’s too realistic and requires no creative thinking on my part.  Oh, by the way…strike two for capitalization slothfulness.

 5. robert pattinson naughty

Strike three you uneducated capitalization miscreants!  I’m truly ashamed that our site somehow shows up in the search results of such a perverse query.  Truly, nothing worse could lead to our site.

 4. taylor lautner topless

Strike FOUR!  This isn’t as bad as the “naughty” Pattinson pics, but twice as stupid.  Men aren’t “topless” when they remove their shirts.  They’re SHIRTLESS.  According to the searcher, Lautner possesses female anatomy and that’s a debate that I simply don’t want to start here.

 3. miley cyrus teeth falling out

Strike Five.  Leave MILEY ALOOOONE!  We can’t help it if she’s just started teething.  Just make sure that you keep LEGOs, dolls, model kits and other toys with small parts away from her.  (This was geared towards the moron who apparently finds amusement in celebrities with bloody mouths and missing teeth.  We here at the LBR find this sick, twisted, and outright moronic.  Ms. Cyrus, we only wish the rest of your teenage years to be free of public scrutiny.  Enjoy being a teenager.  Do teenager-esque things.  Have fun, live well, and don’t grow up too fast.)

 2. ben stillers mom photos

For your information, her name is Anne Meara.  We really don’t want to know why you wanted to find photos of her.  We won’t even speculate.  However, if I knew who made this search, I’d send the searcher’s location right to Ben Stiller himself.  I bet he’d sick longtime friend Tom Cruise on the searcher immediately.  Oh, strike six.  You’re out twice.

 1. Miley Cyrus Getting Naughty

Ok.  I’m sure this is an illegal search.  Miley’s only 16.  Seriously, man.  What’s wrong with you.  You should really get that taken care of.  And by taken care of, give yourself in to the authorities already.  Serve your time (time=life) in prison.  Away.  For good.  You make me want to vomit.  On the bright side, yay capitalization!  I can’t believe I just did that.  Honestly, if I had the address of whoever searched this…your butt would be in prison.  Or signs would at least be distributed around your neighborhood warning everyone of your warped, ill mind.


One Response to “The Nine Most Pathetic Searches That Have Led to the Low Budget Review”

  1. I think almost every one of those are because of my MTV Awards review. lol

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